I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
