So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
