i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
