alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
