Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
