Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
