so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
