his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
