TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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