I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
