how can u be prego again
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
