She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
