my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize