Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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