Kiss
Puke
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You need a sexual gate keeper
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
