So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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