shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
