I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
