If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
