I hate your face
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
