Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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