you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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