I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
