I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
