Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
