Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
