I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
