I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
