Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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