I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
