There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
