youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
