I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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