that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We are two peas in an std pod
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
