the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
