So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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