I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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