i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
