I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
