I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
