I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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