Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i've created a new STD.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
