the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
