I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
