We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I touched a dick in church today
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
