New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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