Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
