My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
