walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
