we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
