so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
