got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
