I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
