Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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