You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
