last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
